This weekend was a whirlwind of fun, creativity, art, friends, food, shopping, and discovery. I spent alot of time thinking and reflecting about what it is I do, trying to get my Spark back and at the same time questioning if I am even in the right place at all. This year has been particularly difficult for me and incredibly rewarding all at the same time. I feel like I have had the biggest heartaches but at the same time, needed to shed the skin of people who were not good for me, needed to go through the bad to appreciate the good that much more. And on the other hand, so many new opportunities have come my way, respect from people I admire, new relationships that are so inspiring, and building other friendships stronger than they have even been before.
I found myself not being able to answer a question I often ask others when they have come to me for advice about what they want to do as a job in the scrapbooking industry: what do you enjoy? I now understand things I could never fathom in the past:
- being too busy to answer emails
- too busy to pick up the phone
- too busy to enjoy the process
- too busy to sleep well
- too busy to read a book
- too busy to exercise
- too busy to create unless I had a deadline
- too busy to even try out for new design teams
- too busy to keep track of anything
- and too busy to live life
I just keep going and going and going. And I am not enjoying the things I used to because I am too stressed, too worried, too worn down. Maybe if I stopped in the moment I might have discovered how bad I had let things get so that must be why I never stop for a moment.
One thing I try to tell myself all the time is that it is okay to change your mind, okay to try something different, okay to do what is right for you right now. This weekend Mindy Gledhill opened the Spark event with a concert as well as some words of wisdom, ideas to ponder, and advice to open our hearts and minds over the weekend.
She talked alot about the way she defines the creative process and that it includes a shadow, during the hardwork period. Basically, following her model, I never reach the 3rd period of harvest (enjoying the fruits of my labor) and definitely do not reach the 4th period of rejuvenation, resting after work. Even though she is not a psychologist, this gave me so much insight. No wonder I have been in a rut, a downward spiral of creativity. I'm tired. I've been saying that alot and it is true. And I lost my focus. I feel like a blind person in a room of doors unable to find the right one to get out!
I am always worried about letting people down, worried I will miss out on something wonderful if I say “no”, worried about all the wrong things and wrong people.
I have alot to think about. I was getting all extreme because I knew I needed to take some kind of action, thinking about totally quitting everything. Yeah, that is not a solution. I met some awesome people this weekend who encouraged me whether they knew they were or not. People who lifted me up. People who shared their stories and inspired me. People who were accepting and not judgmental. People who let the past be the past and lived fully in the present. It was wonderful.
I am ready to go through a metamorphosis, enjoy the harvest period. And really enjoy the rejuvenation period. And then, I want to get back to work in serious serious ways. I can't wait to see what wonderful, inspiring, and rewarding things are ahead.